I'm like the grizzly bear awaking from a lengthy hibernation. The temperature dipped above 55 degrees yesterday and suddenly I feel like writing again. I've got the Rolling Stones' "Exile on Main St." here to push me forward.
That isn't to say I haven't felt like writing at all over the past few months, but I wasn't inspired enough to put words on paper. Part of it was time. I've finally added a social life to my career. It leaves very little time to put down my thoughts the way I want to, and believe me writing these blog posts take me quite a while. I like to think that I'm writing my story in real-time, as though I approach my life like an author writing a narrative. I like to think that writing my real life eclipses writing a facsimile over the internet. I'm not sure how true that is--not sure how much creative control I take over what I do from day to day. I'm torn between the desire to chronicle the day-to-day happenings of my life, which tend to blend with each other into an indistinct mass that's difficult for me to comprehend, and the desire to chronicle the thoughts and impulses that thread through my every day, which tend to be difficult for everyone else to comprehend. It doesn't matter. The key is to write. And that is what I will do.
Spring has come to New York City this weekend, and it's a wonderful time to be a New Yorker. I ran through Central Park after class yesterday, and it reminded me of when I visited the city to do my interview for the Teaching Fellows last April. (Quick tangent: It's almost been one year since I moved to New York. Can you believe that?) The cool part about running through New York is that you see everyone, everything. And it's all mixed together. Tall people chatting with short people, red-heads, brown-heads, pink-heads, and green-heads lounging on the lawn, an Asian girl kissing a black boy, an Asian man kissing a black man. There's vendors and musicians and dancers and readers and runners and writers and watchers and laughers and smilers and scowlers and hunchers and strutters and families and friends and ... everyone. It's like a dream. It opens your mind to the possibilities that exist out there--all the different lifestyles you can choose to live, all the people you can let into your life, all the things you can choose to value. There I was, running through all of it.
Running is such a fitting activity for me because it has tremendous metaphorical value to my philosophy. I love the idea of flowing through a wide open world and experiencing everything one stride at a time. I want to see as much as I can. The melancholy element is that despite being surrounded by so many people, running is a somewhat solitary endeavor. No matter how many people I meet, places I see, I always feel a little alone.
That's pretty much where I am right now. I've made extraordinary connections to my students, to other teachers, to people in and around the city, but I'm still searching for something elusive that makes me feel at home, part of something more than myself.
It's strange considering the current economic conditions, but I feel like more possibilities are open than ever before in my lifetime. We're in a recession and social structures contract, but that allows ideas to grow larger in their place. We can recreate what we want our world to look like now that some of the bigger powers are starting to fall apart. Any time there's such fluctuation and uncertainty, windows of possibility open up everywhere.
All this makes me feel like I have to do something. I need to try something that will help me find my place in this evolving society. Writing is something that I've always thought could lead me to new and exciting places, so it's time that I really get down to it. Please keep bugging me about blog entries so I don't lose focus or momentum. I'm not sure what else to do. Teaching is extraordinary, and I'm so glad that I'm focusing much of my time towards it, but it (will?) afford me additional time to do something else. What will it be? I've been blessed to be born with an active brain and a desire to do good. I want to make sure that I use everything I've been given. I want to live my life like I'm writing a really awesome story every single day.
Spring is almost here. What should I do? How about you?
1 comment:
welcome back
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